ballade pour adeline: February 2005

Ok, apparently my dessert sux as well coz I forgot to put red dates. This is getting so crappy. Fly me away.

I wish I can go hiding...and re-surface when the day is over...
but am I already doing it subconsciously?...
all I can say is that its not working...

I used to enjoy birthdays esp when I was still a kid. The birthday parties were great. All carefully planned out by my very meticulous mum. But this is all a thing of the past. No use sobbing over these fond memories. These days, I think I am gradually forgetting how to celebrate birthdays. In fact, I think I really dread them. Year after year. It's just a downhill graph. The mood is not there; the atmosphere is not there. Why celebrate? Why celebrate another day, another year of my existence in this complicated environment? Why why why?...Why can't we all just be 7 years old? The innocence, the childlike idealogy. It sounds good to me. No worries, no troubles, no sorrows. Isn't that nice?... I really wonder when birthdays will be a happy thing for me again...It's so hard. I guess as long as I am happy, everyday can be a birthday. Perhaps now is not the time. I wonder when IS the time. And will there even be such a time?...

I think I will never get tired of the song by hoobastank "the reason". It's nice, esp when you're not in the best of moods...

It suddenly occurred to me that those 2 pple were acting a little guilt-stricken today. I just detest this feeling, that someone had betrayed you. I'd rather they told me the truth since I already knew the truth or not know the truth at all. You see they cld have just told me they went out with so-and-so and be less sneaky abt it. I don't really care coz I am not close to her in the first place so heck care her but they didn't have to be so dodgy in their reply, did they?...Now I don't know whether it was a good thing abt him telling me abt it at all. Politics sux. All kinds of politics. The world is so ironic. If we were to abolish politics and be frank abt everything, everyone or almost everyone will get hurt by every little issue that pple are unhappy with. But the problem with politics is that the world becomes a place where nobody can trust nobody. So...I just find it crude. The whole contradictory crap. Give me a break. =(

Why do I always feel so stupid? Maybe I am dumb...

I realised that learning to use the US is analogous to playing the piano. It requires perfect coordination and it's never easy. Perhaps it uses the left and right brain...

I realised that she NEVER says "thank you". I think I haven't actually heard her say a word of "thanks" before. Maybe Taiwanese were not taught to thank people. Or maybe courtesy is instilled in education but is taken too lightly to be practised socially. Who knows...

19 yrs is kinda fast you know. I think my greatest presents are that of the love of God, my family and friends that is really irreplaceable I think...

I don't expect anything, just knowing that I am in the hearts of these people who I cherish dearly. THAT is what I call the best presents EVER. =)

Sometimes, it may seem normal to expect things. Esp when we wish for things that we do not possess. However, hardly is it that what we hope and wish are known to the person who affects the situation most. Therefore, ultimately our desire controls us more than anything else. My conclusion is, the only way to solve the problem is to not anticipate anything from anyone else. Just cool it...Don't expect anything from anyone because pessimistically, it is unrealistic and is no more than a mere infliction of sorrow, pain and agony onto oneself...

I wanna watch Hitch. Anyone wanna watch with me?=) Ok...that's qte a DUH question coz I wanna watch with the pple in sg and I really wonder who wants to watch it here with me. Haiz. I lost count of the days already...say 240 days? That's counting till 1st nov coz it'll be the exams and I'll probably lose count then...Sigh sigh sigh. Someone pls ask me out to watch Hitch!...haha I sound so desperate...=X

Gosh I am famished. Ain't I happy to seeeeeeeeee potatoessss and brocs in the fridge!...haha...

Maybe God answered my prayers? I don't know. The gathering last night was so last min but I was glad I had fun meeting new pple...

Yesterday he told me that he has a new gf. I was surprised that I wasn't upset. Instead I was glad that I felt genuinely happy for him. Perhaps it simply meant that I had never liked him before=)

same pple.spot the diff: vin not in the bkgrd!...haha...

me.snrs-ruby,abby,lily,germaine...vin in the bkgrd.haha.

gret.me.ruby.

ruby...my cute senior!=p

me.eric-who says he cannot smile.

john.me.

me.vin-senior.

me.ruby.

ruby.me.

My sis's digicam sux. The pics turned out to be qte dark...think coz low batt. Argh. Haiz...nvm I'll just post them.

I think I've got great snrs!=) Just came from from north( I think) melb...this apartment opp the physio blding where my snr lives. Wah. Nice place. I really enjoy talking to them. Well most of them. Really friendly I guess. Met new pple who didn't go last aug. Pretty interesting. A friend called me up this afternoon at 3 and told me abt this singaporean gathering. Expected to see more 2nd yrs though but anyway, was surprised to meet this 2nd yr friend there coz he's msian. haha. However, it didn't really turn out to be a singaporean gathering, had an australian also (ABC). Yup. Had a potluck; I didn't bring any food coz it was so last min. The food was great, esp dessert. Mango pudding, agar agar, blah.....nice. I didn't try my friend's salmon coz he said he added sake which has 15% alcohol. Being allergic to alcohol isn't fun. =( well...one day I will drink. hmm took alot of pics.=) Will post them up soon...I had a nice time...i'll be seeing them ard in school!...Oh and I realised that I do have a test in abt a wk's time. Crap.

I wish

For once, I wished that the road 'home' was longer. I just felt like walking on forever. With my head hung low and a sullen expression on my face, I dragged my heavy feet back. I cldn't find a reason to smile anymore. My life is just so meaningless. I started contemplate suidical methods. If I said that I actually smiled when I thought of it, do I sound very morbid? Perhaps. I wish we cld choose what age we want to be. Isn't it a free world? I just want to be always happy. It is so impossible. Is the ending one's life the only way to be eternally free of problems? I really don't want to celebrate any birthday. I know that when I step into the house I have to put on a happier mood. It is superficial but what else can I do? I don't want my family to know that I am the saddest person on the face of this earth. I see my perfect world somewhere out there. The beautiful mesmorising beach with shimmering crystal clear turquoise waters with schoals of fishes swimming euphorically with nothing on their minds. I want to be a goldfish with a 3 sec memory, having no inkling as to what happened everyday. I want to be a wall-flower, to blend into the varse universe with no one knowing me, knowing my past, only knowing my better-than-perfect future. In this beach, the golden sun penetrates into the waters, reflecting a rainbow that projects into the unlimited stretch of sky and clouds. I know I will be in awe. I wish...God please take me away...

Well, you see me here today. So I am alive. I really don't know why I woke up today. Does God really have a plan for me? Perhaps he does but with me dreading to wake up every single morning to a day of either monotony or melancholy, forget it. I don't want anymore of this. Just take me away forever...to my wonderful dreamland...Please...maybe going away in the sleep is the most serene way. Maybe. Gassing myself or sth. Maybe. Just maybe...

I collected the letters today. My sis had a letter from sg. I wondered when was the last time I received one from sg. Exactly 1 yr ago. Initially when I opened the mailbox, I thought it was stupid to write letters since there was such thing called on email. Then I realised that the guy was extremely romantic...

I am emotionally and physically drained. I wish I cld take 2 yrs off and travel like what my friend did. See the world. Go to places where pple don't know me and start a completely new life. I wish...

Why do I feel like I am going to break down soon...I keep having the feelings of tears coming and going...coming and going...off and on...off and on...I keep picturing the beach in my mind. The night a couple of weeks ago when I felt lifted into the clouds but at the same time of a burdened heart. The feeling was wanting to cry yet to can't for unknown reasons just bog me down. I really want to cry. My heart is crying. I want to disappear and let my soul drift away...

God please let me sleep on...

Hehe...school's OFFICIALLY starting next wk!...okie...pple are coming bk again. Had a pizza lunch for the 1st yrs today but I didn't go. Don't think many of us went. Only those who wanted pizza. haha. Anyway, I feel qte old...having yr 1 juniors now. Plus the fact that I am turning 19 soon. Am I supposed to be wiser? Haha...I really don't know all I know is that I will be short of 1 number to the so-called 'magical' 2-twenty sth. Gosh that sounds super old. Senior citizen already!...Sigh...

Crap day. Crap weather. Crap tutor. Shoot me.

I am dead tired. Walked to school like twice back and fro each. And I had to walk to the physics blding for prac-that's like the other end of the uni campus. That's like nearly 1.5 hrs of trekking. My legs are breaking. The weather didn't help at all. 32 freaking degrees. Tmr's 35. How nice. Argh. Anyway...prac was ok I guess, except that I was kinda tired. Used the stethoscope but apparently I think my grp's one was spoilt so cldn't hear anything. Then our physics experiment had us to measure our bld pressure. Ok, 107/96. That' s 'normal' for me I guess; a bit on the lower end though. (normal range: 105/65-135/95). Ard there. I am so so so tired that I don't even feel like having dinner now. X_X

When I heard that it was going to be 35 degrees, I cldn't help but swear with the 's' word. Man...this weather really sux. My legs were literally sweating. How gross can that be.

Thought was wearing a skirt tmr but I have dissection prac...so I am not sure if we can wear skirts since we have to wear close-toed shoes. Whatever. Just hope that tmr will go by quickly. I think I am so so so behind my lects. So lazy. Sigh.

I think I am just going to give up. It's not going to come anyway...

I dislike waiting. Any kind of waiting. You can't do anything in between. Ok, you can but it's just different. It doesn't work for me because you just feel like you have unfinished business and so get really distracted in everything you try to do.

Tmr is a disgusting day. 8-4.15. Such a horrendous timetable. I feel like sleeping now but I can't. Got prac later. Sigh. Kill me.

Today I was melting in the sweltering heat of 25 degrees celsius. For a while, I felt like I was snowman.

Earlier in the morning, I was almost late (yes, again). I walked briskly into the physio lecture theatre and didn't look any further. I was glad that she was blocking him. Or maybe I didn't want to notice him. Whatever the case, I was glad that I didn't see him today. I actually felt better. After the US and microwave lect, I was one of the 1st few to dart out of the theatre. Maybe that's how it works, for me.

I was running from the tram-stop to the arts blding for my 4.15 lecture (because I was almost late again) and was panting away when I plonked myself in the vacant seat in the middle section. I looked in front (coz there's where the screen was!). The seats at my column 3 rows down were almost empty. I saw him abt 4 rows in front of me. I almost killed myself.

The lecturer dr heng sounded like william hung and it sounded a little funny. Most likely a HK immigrant. Well, ok he was qte entertaining, or rather his lecture on x-rays. I think majority didn't get what he said either. "You can see this horizontal fissure on the right lung...It is qte obvious." No I can't. The students laughed. I guess it meant that they cldn't see it either. It wasn't as obvious to us as it was to him. He's experienced!...

Totally unrelated. I wonder what he is thinking.

TRIED to study in the afternoon. I managed to do a little. I know why I was feeling rotten earlier. I think I was home-sick. Then while studying, I read through a couple of postcards that my friends gave me. One from shu, one from jb. It made me feel better. Thanks guys=) and I put one of them in my school file behind my timetable; the other behind my foolscap pad which I use everyday.=) I feel the love of friendship...*wink wink*...

Haha. A friend said "again?" when I was told her I was cooking. I just realised that I am always cooking. Haha. Beats me. That's qte my life now I think...

Ah liang ah...the neverenough song by flickerstick is flickeringly neverenough. haha. =) thx dude.

Maybe it's just coincidental.

Where is he?

I feel rotten.

What does it mean?

I've got Mondayitis. It's a disease. It will be on ACA-a current affairs sometime. I feel like a big blob today. I don't really feel like getting out of the house today. =( I want something but I don't know what. I just need to cheer up a little more. I feel like I am in planet pluto right now, whatever it means.

Woke up at 11 15am today with a terribly sore throat. Probably because I ate fried stuff today. How sad. I had a strange dream this morning..I know it was from 10am-11am coz I woke up at 10am then went back to sleep.

Here's how my dream went: I think it was supposed to be the day before I was leaving for melb. My fam and I were supposed to be at home but somehow the home looked like my grandma's home with my grandma not there. Ok, weird. Then I think I was checking my email on my sis's laptop and playing some glow in the dark thingys in my sister's room then my sis came into and just intersected and checked her mail instead. I can't remember what I was feeling, maybe anger? Then in another scene, A guy friend drove 2 other friends (1 guy and 1 girl) and myself to a beach in singapore. But it didn't look anything like a familiar beach. It was mainly grass, with only abt 2 feet of sand before this small little pebble barricade then it was the sea. Maybe it was a lake. I can't remember. Anyway, the girl and I wrote stuff side by side on the small sand area. I think she drew a pic or sth. It was colourful and complicated. As for myself, I remember writing the words "I love s'pore" on my territory. I am sure the girl was jy. haha. (That's qte weird I think coz she called me last night and we talked for a while...) Then it was time to go. And then suddenly, my thongs resting between the grass patch and sandy beach were filled with ants. Many many ants and I freaked out. Then one of the guy friends helped me dust them away to no avail so we put the shoe in the water and I guess it was a little better. Don't know why there was another pair of pink sandals in the picture and it was apparently mine. Some thing happened. The ants part. That beats me, I don't even remember bringing 2 pairs of shoes to the beach...weird dream eh?...the guy...Probably was pee. Haha. I can't recall. Funny dream. I always get weird dreams when I am here.

I want to be loved but I don't want a bf. I want love in addition to my family love and friend love. Maybe I am asking for too much. Or maybe I am just crazy.

I watched Alfie and Shall we dance on the plane. Fortunately these 2 I wanted to watch but didn't in the end. And the plane had these movies but not the ones I watched already!=) I thought Alfie was pretty good. Beyond the sleazy outlook and superficial themes of sex lies and deception, it involved more profound themes like friendship and trust, love and committment, principles and moral values and life and it's meaning. Incredible? I think so.

Hmm...I love the food I cooked. Hehe. It's good man. the scrambled eggs and ham and leftover salmon and leftover rock-hard rice. haha. Good enough for myself but I don't know abt others. Haven't really let anyone try my cooking yet, except my fam. hehe.

I just realised that watermelons are hard to cut. I mean separating the meat from the green 'shell' Maybe I am just weak...

Nothing to watch on tv so my sis was watching golf. The commentator was lamer than me. He suddenly said sth abt 5s and 4s, probably the scores. Then he said it sounded like phone no. "far far for far for for far..." with his crazy accent. *rolls eyes*

I am still waiting for him to email me...=( I can nv trust promises eh?...

276 more days. =)

Hehe...I feel like a housewife. Doing chores and studying the same time.=P

Today is laundry day!...just washed my clothes, threw some into the machine. Earlier in the morn, went to vic market bought lots of food for the week. Met a friend there. Hmm...he was the one who told me to get food from the market on days when it's not open the following day coz it's cheaper! hmm...and I see him on a sat. haha. Blah blah.

Haven't had lunch yet. Haha. Only a banana for the whole morn. A little lazy to eat and also no time to eat. hehe. Cooked my 'famous' specialty dish-scrambled eggs with ham for lunch. Yum yum. okie, not famous YET. haha. That's the 1st dish I learnt to cook. When I was 11 yrs-old I think.

I think the weather is not bad today. I like the temperature. Except that there isn't much sun. So the mood is a bit 'drowsy' today.

While doing the laundry...

sis: meimei, I don't know which button to press (on the washing machine).
me: belly button.
sis: Hur. Hur.

Gosh I am getting so lame. =X...

We know that 80% of the town of Meulaboh in Aceh was destroyed by the Tsunami waves and 80% of the people also died. This is one of the towns that was hit the hardest.

But there is a fantastic testimony from Meulaboh. In that town are about 400 Christians. They wanted to celebrate Christmas on December 25th but were not allowed to do so by the Muslims of Meulaboh. They were told if they wanted to celebrate Christmas they needed to go outside the city of Meulaboh on a high hill and they can celebrate Christmas there. Because the Christians desired to celebrate Christmas the 400 believers left the city on December 25th and after they celebrated Christmas they stayed overnight on the hill.

As we all know, in the morning of Sunday, December 26 -2004, there was the earthquake followed by the Tsunami waves destroying most of the city of Meulaboh and thousands were killed. The 400 believers were on the mountain and were all saved from destruction.

Now the Muslims of Meulaboh are saying that the God of the Christians punished us for forbidding the Christians from celebrating Christmas in the city. Others are questioning why so many Muslims died while not even one of the Christians died there. Had the Christians insisted on their rights to celebrate Christmas in the city, they would have all died. But because they humbled themselves and followed the advice of the Muslims they all were spared destruction and can now testify of God's marvelous protection.

This is a testimony of the grace of God and the fact that as believers we have no rights in the world. Our right is to come before God and commit our lives to Him. Our right is kneeling down before the Lord Almighty and committing our ways to Him. He is our Father and is very capable to care for His children. Praise the Name of the Lord. WE SERVE A LIVING GOD!!! Bill Hekman

Wow...

Gosh. I am so tired. Yawn abt 10 times in 1hr during lect today. the irving lecturer is boring. Hmm...maybe it's me. I don't know. Embarrassed myself again today. Woke up usual time but somehow was a little late when I left the house. Took a tram. When I was getting off the tram, my bag got hooked on this disgusting and hairy 50+ man's pole he was holding and kinda 'rebouced' when I was getting of the tram. Oh man. It was a crowded tram, I was afraid of being late and I was so embarrassed that I shld be unable to get off the tram because of my bag. So I ran across the road and nv turned back. 1 thing I really wondered was who actually freed my bag from the pole. I mean I did try but some person behind me helped me. but I was too paiseh to look up the tram. Oh well. Nice person=) I didn't even say thx. -_-"...

Then during CRS tut, I was sooooo tired but luckily I didn't yawn. I was really dead but was thankful that the tutor let us go 1/2 hr early. I think the tutor is qte pretty. She reminds me of vanna white. But younger and maybe more cho lo. During the 1st tut she actually sat on the chair like some coffee shop aunty, with the sole of one of the legs on the chair. Haha. I felt like telling her to sit properly. Haha. Anyway, it's just so different, how the way we are brought up in s'pore. Since when were we allowed to put our legs on the chairs. haha. Let alone the tcher. Imagine the bao doing that. Hmm...I can't.

meeeeee

;)

me and my sis

Trapped...

black forest cake I got for jb...

doggie paw...

my cute doggy...saw a dog in a car today. I miss my dog.

Today while listening to my FM radio on my way to school, it struck me that my life is like the tuner. It changes when I change country too. Hehe. Anyway...today was qte a funny day. Kinda jam-packed.

First it was physio prac. We did wax bath and ultrasound scan. Geez the US was a little amusing, considering that I nv used it before. But the wax bath, the physio in Austin did show me before.

After prac was CRS lecture. Jenny again. Hmm...I guess I was a little distracted today, so I didn't really get some stuff down in time.=P

Then it was CRS prac. That was kinda malu-ating. I thought I was in grp A. So I was standing with the grp for a while then I saw that he was in that grp too. I was thinking "sh*t. I don't want to be in the same grp as him." haha but I was thinking, I don't remember seeing his name in my grp. And fortunately, when the prac tutor gave us the paper to mark our attendance beside our name, I cldn't find mine. I was qte shocked coz I thought I already noted my grp alphabet. Ok, apparently wrong. Well...another girl had her grp mixed up too, so we went out the dissecting room and checked the notice board again. Ok, so I am in grp D. Haha, I kinda heaved a sign of relief, glad that I wasn't in the same grp as him. haha. So I walked to the new grp and upon arrival, the prac tut called my name, just in time for me to acknowledge that I was present. And then he said "Good'day. Can you draw the thoracic vertebrae on the board." I was dumbfounded. =P Caught me by surprise. So I gave a huge smile, kind of in a state of disbelief. and the grp laughed. Oh well. Anyway, later he gave me a thoracic vertebrae bone and asked me draw which fortunately I cld. Yup, that's abt it. Then through the 1hr prac session, this burly prac tutor started persecuting pple and asking them qns. But halfway through, the pple behind me were complaining and gossiping away abt how boring the tutor was and of course their desire to change grps. I thought he was ok. At least he didn't scold me or anything for not knowing my stuff. Guess he was kinda helpful when my friend and I asked him qns regarding the bones and the wet specimen of the thorax, vertebrae and sternum which he hauled out from the soaking wet bank of mutilated body parts smelling of pungent formic acid.

That's abt all for CRS prac today folks!=)

Some Random Pix

Shu P.S. I wanted to add ure pix haha but sorry cldn't resize=p

Outide DTL

wt, yn, wm, ks, me at DTF in paragon

Christmas tree at taka!!!

My luggage at home

My messy room

I miss my bed!!!

Hmm...was asking my mum which is the herb I am supposed to boil. Worse thing is, I don't know which one she's talking abt!...bleah so pain-staking. Oh I decided to stick to the old blog's template because my friend said that black makes my blog look so depressing...=p

No matter how bad my cooking is, I still feel that it tasted good because I (and my sis) cooked it!=) Unfortunately, the washing up wasn't fun at all. Anyhow, I managed to clean up the plates and stuff...

Hey!...where was the blog I posted!...I was saying that I felt very homesick after I woke up from my nap. And then last night I dreamt of my friend who is teaching at a tuition centre. I dreamt of her either gossiping with a housewife parent or talking/listening to the parent's complaints of her kid or sth...weird...may coz I just talked to her...=p

The day is almost over for me. Had 2 hr physio lect today and I was done for the day. But I've got to stay back next wed though...Pretty full after lunch now. You know everytime I walk on the street and someone looks at me or stares at me I really feel like sticking up my middle finger. Haha. But nah. I'll get brutally mutilated. hehe. Another half day tmr. That's because no PBL but I think when physio PBL starts, Thursdays are killers man. Going to bathe.