1.Are you good at hiding your feelings? not really...it's pretty obvious when I am not happy

2.How can we tell that you're already irritated? when I start frowning and raising my volume

3.How do you treat the person that obviously doesn't like you? start swearing?=X

4.What usually ruins your mood? being interrupted when doing sth

5.Who do you see everyday that you wish you just wouldn't at all? erm...I don't know

6. When was the last time that you had a good cry? last wk

7. How often do you shop for clothes? when I feel like

8. Who's your long-time crush? forget it.

9. someone you just had a crush on? Had.

10. do you have something that you wish you just don't? falling for someone...oh and extra fats. haha

11. Do you sometimes crave for something that isn't there? my paradise

12. Do you wish to live in a faraway land where nobody knows you? yes

13. Have you kissed a total stranger? no

14. What do you want to do at this very moment? pee...haha!

15. The worst feeling? feeling unwanted

16. How about the best? feeling loved

17. Ever given your number to someone you dislike? yes

18.what will yOu say to the one reading this right now? Hi! haha you must be really bored...=P

19. What/Who do you need right now? I need to pee!!...hahaR...oh where are you sweet decemeber?

20. Happy with ur lyf? Guess I'm neutral. Depends. When I feel good, I am happy with. When I feel rotten, it does suck. =)

Transitions

Hey. Wow. Was just surfing thru friendster aimlessly when I came across an old friend's website. A lower sec friend. The resemblance from when I knew her and now is vast. In sec1/2, she presented to me as a fun-loving and rowdy person. Don't get me wrong. She still is but somehow she is more than what she was then. I hurts to see someone...an old friend more and more inclined to may-I-say the 'pia-kia' side. Right now, she clubs (I guess...frequently) swears with the big fat 4-lettered word ever so frivolously and has a bf who smokes. I don't know how anyone can change so drastically. She has confided in me ages ago that being with a single parent she feels for another friend who is in the same plight as her. However, today I read her blog and she just casually threw the 'f' word beside the word 'mum'. I cldn't fathom that. Nor cld I tolerate that. My heart aches for her. She had been a great friend. I believe she still is. But why allow oneself to degrade and succumb to situations? She is/(used to be) a christian for she used to tell me that her pastor wld stand up for her as she only had 1/2 the love that anyone can have. Whatever the future holds, I wish her the best although sadly it's been 5 yrs since I last talked to her...GBH...

Went shopping today. As usual, cldn't find things to buy. Haha. Decided to take a tram down to the beach instead since there happened to be a tram cruising in that direction=P Arrived there and browsed ard. Surprising, it was kinda warm down there. The sun was scorching my head off. hehe but at least the air was fresher and I cld breathe better. There weren't so many ciga addicts down at the beach=) Caught the sunset! The sun was crawling down amidst the foggy distance. It was soooo cool=) My first time experiencing a sunset at a beach (I think)...with my mum. haha. Not very romantic but oh well. It was good=) I am so in lurveeee with the beach. haaha. Somehow within my memories, my brain keeps digging up the time when I was at the beach. The sailboats and the vast abysses of space and time. Haha. Oh well...sweet Dec...=)

Had a nightmare last night. Dreamt that I cldn't finish my maths exam paper and I panicked the hECK out of myself. 1stly, I do not take maths. 2ndly, my exams just ended. My conclusion? I am just MAD.

The day before, I dreamt that it was a sunday and I had a piano exam on monday. And after not practising since sec3, I was so fluttered because I haven't learnt the 3rd piece yet. Haha. I think I am going so seriously insane.

Yesterday, went to some suburb for retail therapy (yay!) haha. Initially, cldn't find anything tobuy, as usual. Then I stumbled upon some really cheap and branded stuff. SUMMER tops in particular. Haha. Wasn't a fruitless trip afterall ;P More shopping today!=)...another suburb. Had planned to go to the beach today but it's freeeeeezing. Shall postpone.

It's just the beginning...

The dawn of a new day. Yet my mind was left behind. My world is jumbled up. I am confused. Rose to the day at 830. It's early. Had woken up at 5.45 initially. That intrigues me. No more work and I still am waking up at the wrong time. Something is really wrong with me. I know that. What is it? What is bugging me so much? It's a hideously chilly day. A numbingly freezing night. Just feel like staying in and perhaps do nothing. But some part of me yearns to embrace the day in a more exciting manner. I can't fathom this. My train of thoughts are evidently on the wrong track. Where to? I ask. Beats me. I can't be missing that particular place in that particular suburb. When it first started off, I was shunning away from the whole experience. The idea of being left all alone. I know I don't miss them. Somewhere along the lines, I am getting the fear or returning to school. To face pple who are apparently driving me nuts, driving me up the wall. Almost impeding my whole concentration span and jabbing me with a knife. Do I feel the pain? Perhaps I immune to it. However it still scares me. I feel locked up in a cage in my mind which I desperate seek the way out. I don't know how and when I can be free again. The feeling totally irks me. If only feelings were easy to comprehend and explained...Time and again, I made myself vulnerable and susceptible to all sorts of emotions. I conjure that I am such a failure in emotions. Thus, it renders myEQ at rock-bottom. Who can understand me? Understand what I am going through? Stop me from my stupidity, stop me from hurting myself further? Each time the wound seems to be deeper and deeper and sadly, it seems unpormising with a just a downward spiral of a vicious cycle...Bring me to my paradise.

Was browsing and found a pic in my album. Taken in dec =P

Hello pple. It is a joy to help others. Indeed it is. Ironically, I don't feel happy today. I hate myself for being so emotionally attached to things I see. It really doesn't feel good. Last day of my clinical stint and I don't feel happy. How can that be?!...

Today I was an interpreter for a while. It felt good. That same canto guy yest with a stroke? Yup, this physio was desperately looking for an interpreter to translate coz the canto guy cldn't understand his demands. Well, I can't speak canto but I tried in mandarin and he knew mandarin! So I merely translated the physio's words. It was qte trashy I reckoned. =P Anyhow, the pt understood me and he went at a slower pace, like what the physio wanted. And when the latter said something like "step softer", I actually translated like "ta4 ruan3 ruan3. Bu4 yao4 ying4 ying4 ta4 xia4 qu4" LOL. What rubbish right? Haha I know. Okok, don't laugh. My dad is so going to kill me. haha. Oh well. I love mandarin. Don't know why, perhaps coz it was sth I scored better in sch. My eng sux as you all know by now. Anyway...

The crazy idiotic physio in the neuro in the morn is a bi-a-tch. Serious. She asked me if I had a problem speaking to pple. Like what the heck! I felt like telling her "Actually I have a problem speaking to YOU!" But I didn't. This disgusting bitch will probably complain abt me. Then at the end of it all, she said that I have to learn to speak to pts. Like HELLO?! I don't have a problem speaking to pple in the spinal and ortho, it's YOU lah. What's with the bossing ard and stuff. She actually left me with this pt for like more than 1/2 hr and it was so freaking awkward coz I don't know what to say to the pt. He was just picking up marcaroni and rolling them over and over and over with his fingers and typing on a keyboard and doing supination exercises and stuff as he has reduced grip strength. Ok, what the heck was I supposed to talk to him abt? IDIOT. I don't even know what he was supposed to do! Had I known his exercises I wld have things to talk to him abt lah! She's a freaking moron lah. Then yest when I first met her, she passed me a medical book and asked me to read up on MS then throughout the whole time she was talking to me, she was looking down at her stupid book so I jolly well walked off to read the stuff then she was like "Hey, I am still talking to you!" Like...PLEASE LAH...you are talking to your BOOK, how wld I know if you are talking to me. You are not even looking at me!...Like go and...Nvm...Don't you know that when you talk, you LOOK at the person, not look down. !!!!(&#(&(##$) Then she told this pt that she was going away next wk for a hol and I soooooooooo SOOOoSOOOoooo wished that she was away this week. =( then she said she was going boating with her husband and don't know what other trash lah and I really really really wish that she will fall into the pond. =) Happy swimming.

On a lighter note, I made choc muffins today! haha okie, act my mum made them and I gave them to the other physio students. I realised that when I told them abt the muffins (and showed them) they reminded me of...no, not pigs but...termites. Somehow. I realised that every single time someone brings food, esp during tutorials, they react as if they are from africa or some really poor and dilapidated place where they haven't eaten in years. Hehe. I don't know lah. It's just reality. Muffin, pizza, gummies, junk food-loving pple=X Just as well. I brought 6 and I told them to share since there were 8 of them. And everyone was literally snatching. I cldn't believe it. Until the last 2 muffins left, 2 girls split each into half to share. Like hmm...Ok...I thought the 1st few pple who took it wld voluntarily break the muffin into half. Just as well. Oh and one more thing. I cldn't help but notice how fake some pple can be. The minute I said I brought them muffins, 2 started talking to me more than usual. It was simply qte...I don't know I was qte speechless regarding this thing. Anyway, it feels good to give and feels good to know that pple enjoy things you do, or in this case, enjoy the food you brought. haha.

Okie...philosophy makes up a relatively large part of my life. So much that it almost kills me. Why does anyone (me) think so much?! Life passes me on. I don't where I am heading to. My death? I don't know. I almost missed my train station just now coz I was thinking of...I don't know again-my stint? I can actually see myself working in this hospital. Weird but oh well. That was only 4 days. Don't think I can survive, as in really survive working there or anywhere, long-term. No way the neuro dept anymore since I had a bad experience in there.

Man, I have another assignment to do over the hols regarding this stint. Trashy trashy trashy. I want to sleep in tmr. No more 5.45am wakes...I really hope that I don't get woken up for nth. Simply detest that so much...

Lost in someone else's world...

Hello world. It's me again. My day. Today wasn't really off to a greeeaaat start. Well. The 1st physio I was with sucked=X haha. What's with the stern face man. Why can't pple smile. Smile and the world smiles with you. I think she treated me like a maid lah. haha. Had to carry this pt's bag which weighed a tonne while the 3 of us walked round and round the physio dept 3 times-to get 6min of walking to check the pt's gait. Like whatever lah. Sux. haha. It was boring...and I had to face some kind of freak who looks so intimidating. Oh since I was in neuro in the morn, there was this guy who had so many risks for having a stroke-again. He was as big as mosesLim and he was panting away with just 10 steps on the steps in the room. And he lived on the hill. It was totally absurb. And he was using a wheelly frame. It's just scary how big pple can get to. It's seriously freaking me out. He had high bp, HT, obese blah blah blah...Oh and he was talking so much=P hehe

Hmm afternoon was better. Started off with a 1hr 45min meeting. LOL. It was ok...at least I didn't have to do anything. Just listen to the group of pple talk. Which consisted of I think a doc, 2 physios, an OT, a social worker and stuff. yup. I dunb mind just listening haha just dun make me talk in front of the 9 pple. I can't even handle 2 pple myself!=X Oh met 4 'interesting' pple today. One is that 1st crappy physio with an AP haha then it's this other guy II met in that 2hr meeting. Hmm well I think he's a doc doing an internship in austin, I don't know. Anyway, he's asian and throughout the meeting I was guessing if he was either from sg, msia or HK. Haha. Then from the way he spoke, I narrowed it down to sg and HK. Then I heard that these grp of pple were going to some suburb tmr for a meeting again and someone commented that he wldn't know where it is since he's not from aust or sth. Blah. Okie, so he's no ABC. Then when I was running ard in the ortho wards, I heard him say 'LAH' when he was talking to someone at the reception. LOL. So...he's from sg. CONFIRM. hahaaaaaR....I am so bo liao right. That's what you get when you work in hospitals. haha.

Okie, the other 2 pple...Oh in the morn the crazy physio had to go off to a meeting (yah I know, what's with meetings?!) then I had to watch over this lady and watch her do her exercises. Then when we went over to the gym rm, another crazy guy was just setting up the mat to play lawn ball with another pt. My 1st time playing lawn ball and apparently, we won=P His pt and I 1 team and he and 'my' pt. He was so crappy throughout like how his team wld win and stuff and he kept trying to interrupt us whenever we tried to concentrate on throwing the ball. Another nutcase.

In the afternoon, in the ortho wards, I was with another physio, the one I went to the 2hr meeting with. She's nice and funny. =P well while recording the details of a pt on a piece of paper, she wrote 'hoarse (voice)' and asked me if she spelt wrongly. Then she said "yup, I know how to spell horse haha. Then she made the sound of the horse which I thought was really hilarious coz the pt I saw had a rough voice and it wasn't like a horse lah. Ok, I think I am going mad soon lah. Talking abt crappy things that happened today. Blah. Oh and in the morn when I was taking the bus to the hospital, the bus smelt like and reeked of cigarette smoke. Kinda overwhelming and choking. The driver had been smoking, obviously and there were signs that said no smoking. Then he stopped along the road with his key in the ignition and the bus door open then he told us (only my mum and I were in the bus) that he was a going to get coffee. Like what the!?!!... Then he ran across the rd leaving us in the bus. Had I been able to drive, I wld have driven the bus off. Haha.

On my way back, rose and fi were kind enough to offer me a lift halfway so it was easier for me to go back. =) fi dropped me off at a station I took the train back to the city instead. =P

Sigh. I am pathetically confused. Why must I always always crush someone who I know will nv like me? It's just sooooooo irritating. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't know what I want. It's just so complicated. Why can't things just work out the way I want them to?..............................................I am so desperate. Am I? I hope not. It's just so horrible how I always feel something-anything qte easily. It sux. Trust me, it really does suck...Tmr is my last day. And at the end of it, I don't really have the holiday mood anymore. Apparently it had drained away. I feel as if I am always burdening myself. Finding problems that complicate my life more as if it isn't hard enough. What is my freaking problem!!?...pls Spare me. Am I not pathetic enough in dealing with my affairs?...................................

Hi world. Working in the spinal unit is...nice=) well at least u get 2 apply a little stuff u learned in physio. hehe. hmm. Got a brain block now. Well, time kinda flies when you have stuff to do. Stretches, muscle strength tests, blah blah blah. =P

Saw like 4 patients yesterday and since it's the spinal ward, all were on wheelchairs with either incomplete or complete lesions of some parts of the spinal nerves. Yesterday, I met this 14 yo boy who was involved in a diving accident and got a surgery on his lower back. Unfortunately, the op went wrong and he's like kinda quadraplegic now. It's really sad but yah...he's only 14. And another guy who's 19 as well is really friendly and crappy. Full of jokes and stuff and he is always playing this music from his 'jack CD' and now the song's stuck in my head. Because these pple live in the hospital so they come in everyday. Hmm apparently he had a car accident and he was in the passenger seat and his car rolled over. That's scary and yup, he was at the rehab. Yest was hilarious because you know how they have the standing machine I don't know what you call it but anyway, this moveable seat with places to tuck your knees in and so the thing push your butt and makes you stand up. Yup, so he was qte tall when he stands and the physio I was wking with made me try that machine so it really scared me to death because I am much shorter and lighter compared to him so I was like thrown over and TRAPPED b/w the seat and the standing bar. And the guy was laughing like mad lah and he had to help me pull the seat down so I cld get out. LOL.

Oh and the 1st pt I saw had a erm...c6/7 incomplete lesion kind of thingy and he had schizophrenia. That's the 1st time I have seen someone with schizo. He looked really scared and reserved and a little dodgy so there isn't much to say.

Hmm. Getting there is indeed overwhelming. Need to wake up at 545 when it is soooo dark you seriously can't see anything more than 200+ meters and catch a tram and get down to uni to take a bus which takes 1/2hr to get to the hospital and it comes like almost every 15 min so I really need to get the 710+am bus otherwise I will be late. And upon arrival, I need to walk for abt 20 min along this really u-loo road to the hospital and the sky was really dark yesterday coz it just rained. hehe. Tedious eh. But the weather is not too bad I guess. Cooling. Not humid. yupyup. Anyway, 90% of the time I was in the hospital, I was 'mute' like I didn't know what to say to them coz 9 of us, 8 of them were locals. haha. yup. Oh well, qte used to it actually. So no big. I don't really like to talk anyway=X

Afternoons are pretty slack with the physios heading off for meetings and stuff and I got to be in a small conference yest. hehe. They were discussing this patient who had problems living with his brother coz his hse is inaccessible to his wheelchair. So he was really sad abt losing his independence which comes with most pts. So in the meeting, there were 7 pple I think. A registrar, a consultant, a nurse, a social worker, a physio, an occupational therapist and sth else. I forgot. Qte interesting. =P eh.........what else.....................hmmmmmm. Oh I'll be in the neuro/ortho dept tmr so I hope it will be nice. =X I didn't get to do the hydro pool and not everyone gets it coz like they already planned out our timetables for the week. That's ok. Not very keen on swimming in a pool where pts probably bathe in them=X...

hehe. Oh today. our physios had to rush off to a meeting so the afternoon was slack and they made us watch videos abt wheelchair transfers and stuff and like the tapes were super screwed. The vcr was crappy and the film was blurred. haha. We tried to watch tv instead and it was equally screwed. lol. oh then when the vcr was so screwed, I just started talking to this other guy who was in the spinal unit as me too. So it's only us 2 students. Wow, I didn't know he was half thai. Like his mum is thai and his dad is an aussie. I cld never figure out where he was from coz I thought he was a malay or sth coz he had dark skin but he didn't look malay or indian and he has the aussie accent coz he was born here. hehe. Okie, weirdest worlds. Why do pple migrate? *think...think*

ehhhh...oh continuation from today. I ALMOST missed the bus today. =' Yup, ran like (the wind) mad lah and when I got on the bus, my throat was itching away. you see, you can't run here in the open air coz it's cold. Ok, at least for me, I can't run here. This is the 2nd time my throat is killing me. It sux. Anyway, it was because my missed my tram stop. Bleh, yadda-ing away to my mum and it was super duper dark and before I knew it, I missed my stop. Had to run like 1 tram stop, which I realised in the afternoon on my way bk, that is was qte far. BLAH BLAH BLAH. It was freaky coz I will be soooooooooooo late if I missed my bus. Bleh. But when I ran it was pretty dark so I didn't know how much or where is ran-on the grass but the tree branches on stuff on the ground were scary and I was running in boots!...Haha I am so crazy.

Tonight. Had dinner with 3 other physio pple today. Had wanted to eat jap and guess what! they were heading for jap. Haha. How convenient. it was good. At paramount. Sth like a teppanyaki and they gave you a hot plate on ure meal and there were so many sauces and there's rice and a couple of raw salmon. Blah. Good.=P Oh and we were gossipping away lah which I felt qte bad=X coz bleh I dunno lah. Coz I THOUGHT everyone was very close to these pple and they ended up talking abt pple here and there. Oh well. I really hate politics. Like you feel like pple are talking abt you behind ure backs too. bleh. Oh and met an old friend in paramount. haha.

I am exhausted. Foot hurts. Oh and that 19 yo is so strong; when I tried to resist him he was squashing my hand now my hands and arms hurt. Blah. Haha, the other colleague, the student in the spinal unit too, was hilarious. Since we were free in the afternoon and there were so many beds in the unit like all physio units and he was actually doing push-ups and 4 pt kneeing on the beds. Haha...hmm. that's what you get when you have beds ard you. Nevertheless, I am going to have a new 'partner' tmr or at least someone else wking in the same unit as me. Bleh. Crap. Crap. My eye is twitching now. I so tired. hehe. Shld go. Laterz...nights

Oh he finally replied. hehe since my birthday. haha and after nearly 4 months, the excitement and thrill is slowly ebbing away in that I didn't feel that high when he replied. Happy, but somehow the feeling has eased away, compared to the first few times. Anyhow, it's good. Always welcoming his emails=)...I haven't forgotten abt him though. I look like a lunatic everytime I smirk when I think of the times when I went bk for hols =P eewwwww

The gruesome 1 mth...

hello world. The moment I stepped out of sch today, I felt as if I was released from prison. Comparable to this analogy. So mentally drained. After 3 disgusting weeks of (attempted) mugging, I almost forgot who I am. Yesterday, I spent the entire day in this horrible room with 6 beds and been practising since 10am, immediately after the other prac. When I went back at 6pm, the sky was totally dark and it was freezing after a shower. I actually spent nearly 7 hours in that room!...except for once when it was call of nature. haha. Man. The thought of it really freaks me out. I am nearly a lunatic now enclosed in the room for 1 whole day. No lunch and I was surprised that it didn't bother me. Must be the stored fat keeping me alive. Somehow, went back and was dead tired.

Snapping back to reality, prac today wasn't as good that I'd liked it to. The person in front of me was really good so it was considered almost a suicide since I was inferior to the examiner's so-called standards because the bar was set way up there. Sigh. Whatever. I had my left shoulder in hot packs and my right elbow in ice till my arm was numb-that was the purpose. Boy, the first candidate made me do wts on my left arm and it was crazily exhausting. but she did well. Bleh. I think I totally flunked it. It was borderline passes, I knew that. =( Then mar-the examiner was talking so much crap as usual...abt how nice the name of the girl after me was and how if she had another daughter she wld call her by that name too. darn. I am so screwed.

Anyway, my brain is dead now, I can't recall my day. Don't even want to. No idea how I survived 3 wks and of course I've got 1 more wk to go. First I have to figure out how to get to kew by 8.15 when the frequency of the horrible public buses is so rare. Yup, 8.10am. How the heck am I supposed to end up in royaltalbot in 5min? Siao ding dong. I can't drive; I've got no car; and the train station is no where near the hospital. Very nice planning pple. I am pissed enough that my prac exam was on the last day and when everyone was free yesterday, it was pure torture. I heard that only 10 pple had their pracs today. So happened that I was one of them. Anyway, I can't imagine 8-5 for 1 week. Just kill me. 1 more wk...1 more wk...I am almost there...

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
A touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall
you say it best when you say nothing at all

RonanKeating

Coz I shiver...

Hi, was reading through a friend's blog and was overwhelmed by njc memories. Her photo album, consisting of the 1st 3 mths class. 03s20. How times fly, how situations change, how events can change overnight, how friendship can turn. Coincidentally, "don't stop moving" starts playing over the radio. Is this a sign? This was our orientation song. The pple, the friendships, the bonds. Were they only meant to last for 1 year?. 1 mth. 1 year? 2003? Is that all? It that over? Perhaps this is life. That's why pple say that we can only live life once. Perhaps. Just maybe. I try to keep in contact with the pple. But I know it's different. Food turns sour, so does friendships. Even if it's not sour, pple drift apart. Pple walk in and out of our lives but how many do we actually remember, or how many friendships do we intend to keep in a lifetime? How many pple do we intend to touch and hopefully remember us till the day we die? For me, I know I will never forget the 1st 3 mths njc-the 1st 3 mths class. that's when I spent one of my precious moments in life, rekindled an old friendship, perhaps met one of the greatest number of great pple all at one go, did things that I never did before, experienced true friendships, felt loved, for the 1st time feeling that I was part of a (big) group. So many first times. Yet those only happened in 1 mth. God, I pray that someday, sometime, someplace, bonds will re-form. Right now, all I can do is to hope and pray that this isn't the end of my so-called fairy tale.

This is so depressing!!!....=( wanna cry already.

A good friend's going to US for uni. Man. The world's falling apart. I miss her already. Ok, I miss everyone in sg. Sigh. Wonder when I can see all of them again. Our shopping spreeee and many more dates!...Sigh........

1 friend in bk, 1 in nz, 3 in us, the rest in sg. wah seh. maybe. Maybe reunion wld be 10 yrs down the road. I am afraid to believe that.

I am so afraid of failure.

I really wonder how I wld turn out had I not gone to some 'top' sch. high sch.

Wld I turn out to be a happier person? Don't bother this don't bother that.

4 papers down. 2 more to go. The past few days was an emotional pit. The limit, the base.

Retail therapy today. Well. It's nice when you are not studying. The therapy didn't really work for me. More of the latter part.

I am lost again.

clinical placements for 1 wk after next. Man.

an email in the sch account:

Dear all,Please ensure that you take your bathers and towel to the first day of your Clinical placement at RoyalTalbotRehabCentre.

Regards,
xxx

Are we going swimming? =P haha. I think it's probably hydrotherapy. Whatever it is, kew is not exactly very near for me you know.

ZoNkeD zOnkEd ZooonK ZoNk.

My minded is clouded with distractions whenever I try to hit the books, or in my case, lecture notes. Suddenly I feel eager abt wanting reconcilations. But nO!. Not in the middle of my exams!...My brain is heavy and really shldn't be thinking abt Him, Him or Him!...It's the wrong time. How?...These pple just keep appearing in my mind. I feel sO...dismayed. It the exam period. It's Satan. It's my insanity. It's the exam period. Oh I said that already. I miss orc rd. =(

I...I...I want to talk to the pple. But seriously, now's not the time. darn.

It's June!=) Halleluya. 4+ more mths to go.