this is a depressing entry. do not read.

suddenly, i am just feeling stony. *stones* when i got up the bus, i just felt very...i don't know how to describe the feeling. but i definitely weren't in the best of moods. dejected, sad, bored, exasperated, lonely....Lonely's the word.

you can be surrounded by seas and seas of pple yet feel extremely left out, extremely lonely. (btw the same applies for clothes in the closet...they're never enough)

no, it wasn't the fact that i just realised today that the guy can has a crush on is also called ****. no, it wasn't because i saw wx's bf who i recognised from a pic i saw a couple of times on her friendster who resembles ****. no, it wasn't because i saw that place where we erm...nvm. no, it wasn't because i saw lovey-dovey couples snuggling under one another all over orc road today. i just...sigh...ruminating and pmsing, perhaps.

I wish time wld stop whenever i am stoning at cine. i am just lost in thought, sitting on the couch. i wanna do sth absurb yet i am afraid of-- i don't know what. seriously, i don't know. maybe i've fallen into a state of depression. i am not the girl-next-door. i am just another girl who's trying (really) hard to break thru. To be loved, to be hugged, to be cared for by the person who will maybe mean the world to me. who is he, and more imptly, where is he now? does he even exist--has been my question for God knows how long. actually i am not dying for a bf or anything (cross my heart) it's just that once in a while, you just wonder what you are living for. Jesus yeah? but have you thought of the possibility that there might be sth else? i am not saying that God is not impt, but yeah, sth else? they say life without love is nothing. yet i dun think that love is everything. I don't know. *shrugs*

i came across a pink choker and a pink-strapped watch at tangs that i now only realised i think i like them. haha. a little retarded i know. 120 bucks. LOL. dun play play. today i saw the gal in class who had a similar watch. it caught my attention because it was PINK. someone said he will buy but i DOUBT. haha. Yes, I am telling you I don't believe you. =p past experiences tells me so. he once said he wld learn break dancing for me, as long as i just said that I wanted him to learn. Of course I didn't. haha. because...hmm just coz. Then there was my other bro who said that he wld get me that 1000-dollar bear stuff toy which of course he didn't either. haha. so the cycle goes.

hmm. i don't know. i am afraid. y am i so afraid of i don't know what. what is so scary? actually everything. i hate a being a perfectionist. i think i need to chill out. i am trying v hard to relax already. In fact, i think i am a little more loosened out then before. but still, it just still isn't working. there is nth going on in my head. i used to be someone who wld dig up questions out of the blue to just keep the conversation (with anyone) going. but today, i simply can't be bothered to. or rather, i think i am enjoying the silence more. Yeah, silence sounds good from to time. even though there are questions i question in my head (it's not purely vaccuum you know) i just don't feel like asking. maybe i am lazy. maybe...i am enjoying the silence (not all the time though) it probably depends on the other person. because not all silences are nice. once in a while you have awkard silences and once in a while, the nice kind where you are actually enjoying the companion...