feeling dejected today.

i need a life. really. I wish i can look beyond the sea of life. I know there's much more than getting accepted into a med sch, into a top uni, so on and so forth. but i just can't do it. it's amazing what one can find over the internet. surfing friend's blogs for the entire afternoon told me so. i found one and the list goes on. i miss ny days. or even just studying in singapore. i feel like my life has been and is so wrong. the constant thought that i cld just end my life this very minute just keep popping in my head. i miss the life. i miss the somewhat little life that i had before i left. i wish i cld live it all over again. it's impossible but i've been feeling so unaccomplished, so unwanted, just so wrong. i don't want a fanciful life. i just want to be me. i just want to go back to the past and be surrounded by my friends. i don't want to be a hermit crab and feeling like every corner i hide is going downhill. This isn't what i want. i shldn't be here. i haven't won any battle and i shldn't be doing this. What battle is won when there isn't a rightful challenge, a worthy opponent? i wish i cld end MY life this very minute.

*devastated*